A Somewhat Pathetic Rant on Twilight
by Broomstyx
Summary: Basically, a rant on how bad I think Twilight is. Written for humor purposes only. Criticisms are welcome. Rated T for language.
1. Bella Sue

**A/N: Hello, my name is ravenclawqueen917, but since that's a bit of a mouthful, please refer to me as Becca. Now, I am writing this fic as an outlet for my frustration towards a **

**certain crappy novel written by our own Stefi M. (Hey, it was either this or ripping the book itself up, which, unfortunately, I cannot do because it belongs to my sister. ) Anyway, **

**don't take it seriously, I am well aware of the fact that this is all of this is just meaningless, hypocritical bitching about my pathetic life.**

**Chapter 1- Bella Sue**

I am an avid hater of Mary Sues; they are simply undeveloped, unrealistically flawless parasites that swamp this site. Which is why I was absolutely astonished when within reading noless than one puny chapter of Twilight, I realized that Bella probably the most obvious one I had ever seen. She is, in fact, flawless, as most Sues are, which Meyer tried to hide my saying she is clumsy. She is described as completely selfless, but its to the point when its almost unhealthy.

Then, in book four, Bella finds a way to be even MORE perfect by becoming a vampire. It almost reminds me of those horrible Lord of the Rings fics were the Mary Sue finds a way to somehow transform herself into an elf to be with her precious _Leggie_(I pity that poor character, I really do) It's the oldest Mary Sue trick in the book, the Sue finds a way to make herself even more perfect than before by making themselves a _superior species._ Usually this package comes with supernatural powers (check, an energy shield? Come on, lets at least try to be original.) breathtaking beauty(check, the scene with the guy who works for the forgery dude, so unnecessary, Meyer is just trying to show off Bella's new _look_.) and/or a better relationship with theirvicti….. ahem, _significant other._(check, notice how much closer Edward and Bella seem after she becomes a vampire.)

I particularly don't like the fact that she is portrayed as, "little plain old me," yet at least five guys fall in love with her on the first day of school, does she have an inferiority complex orsomething? Either that or she's just fishing for compliments. She's so good and pure, yet she's the one who made the whole ridiculous marriage deal so complicated by saying she wants tohave sex with Edward before he turns her into a vampire. Out of _all_ the things to do, spend quality time with Charlie, or go visit her mother in Phoenix, she picks _that?_ What kind of a hussy is she? And she keeps saying how she's _not_ getting married for sex. But she _so_ is, the only reason she's doing it in the first place is because he won't do it with her until she's his wife.

Let's just recap. Bella falls head over heels in love with a guy that she barely knows, but he's _hawt_, so who cares? He ignores her and makes it very clear he wants nothing to do withher, but she still hangs on. When he tells her he's a vampire, she dismisses it, who cares what damage this guy has, remember, he's _hawt._ When he leaves her _in the middle of a forest_, shecurls up there and says she _wants to die._ Instead of moving on, like a normal person, she goes to the reservation and starts doing random dangerous things just to awaken some weird,

personality disorder she has that sounds like Edward. Even when she finds another supernatural beefcake (aka Jacob) to lead around, she _still_ isn't happy. Then when Edward, who, again, _left her_, she drops Jacob like a hot potato and comes running back to him. If he had come crawling back to me, I would have bitch-slapped him so hard his ears would have been ringing for freakin' _days. _Bella then is the perfect example of that crazy chick we've all known and avoided as much as possible. Not only that, but it's giving young girls the idea that acting like apsychotic, loony-in -the-head bitch will get them anything in life. Isn't that just wonderful?

Thank you , my rant is over.(I ran out of steam) Next chapter I'm going to do Edward(tee hee, that's going to be FUN)

Dazvedanya(for you more uncultured readers out there, that means goodbye in Russian)

**A/N: I know its short, but I'm still experimenting with it. Review, but please, do not just say if its good or not. Tell me what I did good or bad. Au revoir!**

**This fic has been edited as of 12/31/09**


	2. STALKER!

**AN: I've gotten some pretty nasty flames from Twilight fans out there, and I would just like to clarify something. As it says in the summery, this fic is written for humor purposes ONLY. Yes, personally, I don't like Twilight, but everyone is entitled to their own opinions. And also, why would you even read something that is so clearly anti-Twilight? I thought I made it clear in the summery. But from now on, I'm going to try to make my rants less emotional and a bit more factual. Thank you.**

**Chapter 2-STALKER!!!!**

Edward is also, to a point, a Mary Sue, or a Gary Stu in this case.(In fact, most of the characters in Twilight are Mary Sues or Gary Stus, but that's not the issue here.) He's even more flawless than Bella, and it's to the point where he comes across as completely boring. Yes, I know about his self-hatred and whatnot, but again, as in Bella with her selflessness, it's almost unhealthy.

Edward is also extremely oppressive. He can make Bella do almost anything with just a glance. And that's not love, that's a controlling boyfriend. And I really hate that its putting that same idea into the minds of millions of young, impressionable girls. In the future, if one of those same girls has an oppressive boyfriend or husband, they're not going to break it off or try to fix it, they're going to think its "love." And that is completely unacceptable. We should raise our girls into strong independent women, not spineless, doormat characters like Bella. I don't care about Stephenie Meyer's clearly old-fashioned morals; she's spreading a bad message.

Also, in the book, Edward sneaks into Bella's room to watch her sleep. When I read this, I just couldn't believe it. The entire time my mind was practically screaming STALKER!!!! Again, Meyer writes it like its some "big, grand gesture of love" but its not, it's just creepy. It also portrays Edward as a clingy, overprotective creeper. Along with the fact that Edward is actually over seventy years older than Bella, it makes him seem like a COD, or a Creepy Older Dude. It's just not right.

Edward is a mixture of an old wise man, and the young dashingly hot boy, and that, I think, is what makes him so appealing. Trust me, I understand, the boys your age are just _so_ unbearably immature, and the older guys just don't make the cuteness cut. But its wrong to tell girls that they can find someone like that in real life. You want a boy with all the wisdom and maturity of a hundred years and the body of a male god? Well tough nuggets, it's never going to happen. You give me a boy like that I'll give you a cage full of penguins dancing the Macarena in Dutch clogs.

Another point about Edward is that the way he acts actually isn't historically correct. Edward sounds and acts almost like a character from a Jane Austen novel. But he was born in nineteenth century America, not Victorian England. And even without that, only the wealthiest, upper class families spoke in the refined, almost suave manner in which Edward speaks. And the Masons, Edward's original family, are never described as being wealthy, so it makes no sense.

I can see the appeal of Edward, I really can, I can understand why so many girls worship him across the globe. But remember girls, someone who really loves you would NOT treat you the way Edward treats Bella. If some guy sneaks into your room during the night, what are you going to do? Be serious people, call the police.

**AN: Yes, I know it sound a lot different than my first chapter, but I think this one is better. **

**-Becca-**


	3. Chubby Werewolves?

**AN: For the next chapter, I've decided to do Jacob and werewolves together, I'll explain in the chapter itself.**

**Sorry for any confusion I might have caused with the chapters. I was trying to edit the first chapter a bit, and I still haven't quite figured out the publishing tools(yes, I know they are extremely simple, but what can I say, I'm just incompetent like that. )**

**I'm not one who lists the screen names of all the people who reviewed, but thank you so much, all of you! Your comments are what keep me writing! Special thanks to Gaslight for her detailed review.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize belongs to me. The chubby werewolves' idea originally belongs to Iann Robinson on his list of 10 things I Hate about Twilight on .**

**Chapter 3- Chubby Werewolves?**

Now, the reason I have decided to do Jacob and werewolves in one fell swoop is simple, if I had just done Jacob, the chapter would have been only a couple sentences long. Why you ask? Because Jacob is not a character, he is a plot device used to create an opposition to the story. He is the under-developed foil to Edward, simply a mirror image. I can just see Meyer now, sitting at her computer, and then suddenly realizing that if she did not create a Side B to Bella and Edward's Side A, it wouldn't really be a story now would it? I can imagine her hurriedly making an opposing side, creating characters simply to move the plot forward. But you see, she didn't do a very good job of it either. She just couldn't bring herself to create a big enough force to "go against" the protagonists. Even in book two, I knew the vampire/Edward team where eventually going to win. Meyer became overprotective of her characters, (come on, we all know the feeling) and made it as easy as she could for them without being obvious. It's simple really.

Now, the werewolves, or shape-shifters, whoever they are, on to them. I have several bones to pick with the way this mythical race is portrayed. First, are they actually werewolves or not, I know I'm incredibly confused, are you? With werewolves, there are two traditional routes, one, the huge, hairy, terrifying beast with almost no human intelligence and animal instincts. Or the Remus Lupin route, with the misunderstood, exiled creature who only acts vicious during the full moon, and no other time. And I know Meyer thought she was being extremely original, creating these ones, but there's a reason there's only two beaten paths on this, because the in between, wish-washy kind just don't work.

Stephenie Meyer describes them as only wearing shorts and no shirts, as to be inconspicuous. Oh, but _nobody_ is going to notice a bunch on shirtless teenagers running around. I mean, why must we suffer through Meyers twisted sexual fantasies? It's really sick. Another thing is their appearance. Meyer overdid this massively. Yes, when creating a separate species, an author does need to give a specific feature for the reader to look for, but Meyer makes the wolves look so similar she _doesn't even bother to describe them separately. _And what is it with her logic that as soon as they hit "werewolf puberty" or whatever, they develop rock hard abs? Are there no chubby werewolves, or are they just eaten when they're born? Not only that but Jacob's complete personality and appearance changes when he "transforms." Jacob pre-werewolf is described as sunny, cheerful, and comforting, after the transformation, Jacob is closed, reserved, and even after doing this, Meyer _continues _to describe him as cheerful, when he so clearly isn't anymore.

And why did Meyer feel the need to fit in the whole Sam-wounded-Emily-but-it-wasn't-his-fault plot anyway? I thought she was trying to prove that werewolves weren't dangerous! And holy John Lennon, what was she thinking when she came up with the whole imprinting idea. I bet it was something like this, "Oh, I'm too lazy to think of a plausible solution to this problem I've created, and am going to create a cheesy, love-at-first-sight shortcut and make everything better!" Not. I mean, I honestly think that Meyer simply didn't feel like writing a plausible love story were the two characters gradually start to like each other, like in real life. Love at first sight only works in fairy tales, in a novel, it just sounds lazy. And with someone seventeen years younger that you, a baby!? I mean seriously, I'm starting to think all of Meyers male characters are pedophiles.

Well..umm…I think I ran out of fuel again…hem…bye *shuffles awkwardly towards exit*

**AN: I tried to make this longer than the last two, didn't work too well. I'm really starting to respect you authors out there with your 5,000 word chapters. **


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